When I put Rachel to bed tonight she chose to have me tell her a story rather than “talk about the day.” I asked her what kind of story she wanted. I was all set to to tell a story about when I was three, which is the direction these story-time sessions have been going, but she wanted a sad story. She wanted to hear about when Grandpa Jerry died. I looked at her and asked, “Are you sure that’s what you want to talk about?” She said yes. I asked again, “Are you sure?” Then she hestitated a little so I suggested we talk about Grandpa’s life first. I jumped up, went into my filing cabinet and came out with a book/magazine my mom had published about him after he died, it had pictures of him growing up, pictures with us, and lots of letters from people who wrote about him after his death. She really enjoyed it and asked about all of the pictures. I didn’t want to give her the publication because it was fragile and the only one I had. I gave her a copy of the funeral program with a xeroxed copy of his picture on the front, but she kept asking if he was dying when he took that picture (perhaps because it was fading?) Therefore, I didn’t think it was the most appropriate picture for her to keep, so I ran and got a framed picture of him with me when I was a baby. She wasn’t satisfied at all and seemed upset. In the end it became clear that she wanted to own the book about him. I told her she could borrow the book for a few days, but I’d take it back and put it in a special place. She started crying. I thought this was odd because she loves to borrow things from me and give them back. Anyway, after a lot of conversation it was clear that she deeply wanted this book. I called my mom, asked her if she had another one, and put her on the phone with Rachel so she could explain to Rachel that she would send me another book and Rachel could keep that one. Rachel was very subdued when listening to my mom and talked in a small, emotional voice. And when she got off the phone, she said emotionally, in a tiny voice, “I’m very happy now.”

When I was thinking about it later, I realized that perhaps the reason it was so important to her to own the book rather than borrow it was because she wanted to have a piece of him. Just as we all had.

While we were looking at the book Rachel asked me if Grandpa Jerry was sad before he died. I explained that he died very quickly and didn’t know he wasn’t going to die and therefore he wasn’t sad. She then added that Grandma Pat and I were sad, though. I said, yes.

We didn’t get much more deeply into the concept of death, but I did tell her that sometimes peoples bodies get so hurt that God takes them up to heaven so they don’t have to hurt anymore and he can take care of them.